Bipolar Life

I am not doing well. It has been a few months now. Things are getting worst. I use to think the depression was the hardest part of this. Now I think it is the manic symptoms. I used to like the mania. I was super energized, did not need sleep, had an answer in half a second, I was wild and reckless but invincible. I felt immune to every consequence, on top of the world, on top of my life. My place was spotless, I worked two jobs, I ran almost every day.

Now, the manic symptoms are torture. I am riddled with anxiety, I shake, I talk faster than my thoughts. I feel hollow and every word I say is fast and it echoes inside of me. I feel out of body. I feel like I do not have control and that at any moment I will be arrested for something I did so fast ahead of myself.

I feel like everyone is looking at me, I am paranoid, I can hear everything around me at maximum volume. I use all of the effort I have to keep myself in check. I am on plenty of medications, I do not want to take another pill. I do not want to go back to the hospital. My mind is a wormhole of scenarios.

 I cannot live in the moment, the present is a terrifying feeling. It makes me feel like I am on drugs and that someone or something is fighting to take control of me. I have to function, I have to work. I have to eat. I have to shower.

These tasks are all such a heavy burden, I am looking at the mountain. Someone behind me is screaming to climb. Someone in front of me is screaming to hide. The inner conflict is to function long enough and normal enough so that no one can see this. I feel like they can see it. They are waiting for me to fall into a bunch of scattered pieces. It is hell living with myself.