The People in Your Neighborhood

I started my day at CARMAX having my car appraised and bought. The salesman that helped me was a wonderful encounter.

I would say he was in his 20's, this was his second job, and he immigrated from Pakistan at age 12. I ate up every word. I asked about the immigration process, about his IT career, about Pakistan, about the role and expectation of women in the culture. 

He will be getting married in the next year to a Pakistani woman. She will immigrate, she does not know any English, she is studying pre-med now, and it is arranged.

I knew it was likely an arranged marriage, so I asked. He said yes. and then I proceeded with all types of follow up. I am not judging. It is culture.

If you never take the opportunity to travel abroad, then you are more likely to be ethnocentric. You would be thinking your county is King that knows all things perfectly. That doesn't sound like American Mentality at all!!!

He said he prefers the arranged marriage concept. It takes the heartache and trouble out of the dating equation. 

In the time that my car was evaluated I went halfway across the globe in conversation. His name was Ali. 

At the end I asked if he got a cut from CARMAX purchasing my car. He replied that he did not.  I boldly said, "and you still talked to me that entire time!". He could have sat me in the waiting area. He knew I was not buying from them. 

What a great opportunity I had to share that conversation. 

Ask questions, care about people, and learn. 

Inner Musing

What is this body like? It is certainly not “home sweet home”.

Sometimes I move so fast I do not know where I am,

and sometimes it is a foreign land.

I am going through the motions of being an adult;

paying the bills, clocking in, sharing a smile and a laugh.

Ultimately, it is awkward. I am settled to a solitary life. 

Some people just cannot fit.

Some people just survive, and give, and pet their dogs.

It has been over thirty years, I do not see things changing.

They are actually becoming more solid, more routine, if one can get used to alienation.

I come and I go. 

I make the decision, I take the action, but in the end, 

I feel awkward.

Separated from my skin, separated from my being, 

not sure who is talking when I speak.

My peace is the safe moment in my home, my peace is the safe moment I share with those I have known the longest. 

I rest in you. I rest for a moment in my dear friends, in my mother.

A moment, an hour, but hardly a day. 

I become tense. I question my movements. 

It starts all over again. What is progress? What will 60 or 70 feel like? Still like this? I hope not.

The Shadow of Grief

I hear your steps, at first it is normalized. Then, I make a quick hard turn in that direction.

I can hear step, step, step. I can hear your laugh, I can see you tip your head back, I can see the finicky things you would do with your fingers.

I can see your fingers. I can see the shape. The rounded, narrow, almost like a child's fingers. I hear your laugh again. I hear the step, step, step.... It is just my memories.

The sound of my memories.

Fleeing, leaving, coming, and haunting. I shake it off, I shake you off, I do not have time for this. I do not have time to hurt, time to feel, time to remember, time to listen to your laugh, or the step, step, step.

This could have been our time, our time was always going too fast in the wrong direction. I can see your walk, I can see you walking away from me, your unique gait. Your clean shoes, your hats, your scarves, your fierce ideas.

My intense, solitary Jeff, I keep saying your name. As if you will reappear if I say it in a certain sequence, or as if I can make myself disappear. I lost more than a piece of me. Much more.

Untitled

I look at myself, from the outside looking in. Maybe I should try from the INSIDE looking out. I ask myself, can you love in a relationship? It causes stress and conflict. All in the same hour I feel I am falling, I'm relaxed, hopeful, I feel at ease, affectionate, the world stands still, I see him, I want to drink him up. I want to understand and communicate kindly, care for him, make him feel like the king of the fucking world. Suddenly, I have a whiplash reaction. I am scared, I want to be alone, I cringe at touch, I become critical, I refuse to let myself depend on another person. I am terrified of the future, I want to run and stand at a far distance. This all happens so fast and back and forth like the rocking of a boat on a subtle and dangerous sea. I find myself holding onto the side, gripping it for dear life. In actuality there is NO danger, it is just a steady rocking cradle. I am panicking. I throw myself over and into the waves, no life jacket, no bouey, and while all backs are turned. I rather fall beneath this water to my own demise, on my own terms, by my OWN hands. Maybe it would have been something, maybe it would have been stable and loving. But how can ANYTHING be stable with me?! Either I will ruin it or you will add to my ruin. I do not even take a full breathe, I breathe out and sink under.