Number Five

Was it number five? I honestly had so many miscarriages while with my ex that I lost count. The first one was probably the worst. We had not been married more than a few months. We were so excited. Living five hours away from family I mailed tiny babies to my Grandparents to open up on Thanksgiving with the due date. 

I was immediately in Mother mode reading everything I could. I found an obgyn that I loved right away. We were having a baby. But we did not. 

We went home for Christmas, the day before I began to bleed. I laid on the couch not getting up for anything. I was at my Aunt and Uncle's. My Aunt totally took care of me and comforted me. The next day, Christmas, the bleeding continued. By evening I was in crippling pain and went to the ER. 

I was told I was miscarrying. There was nothing that could be done. The shock and devastation was unreal. A few hours later, at the house, I was experiencing contractions and crying. Everything took its course. I expelled into the toilet and I remember taking it out. That changed me for life. 

Then I had four more after that. I read everything I could find on coping with pregnancy loss. After the first one or two I was reading about women who had multiples. So many of them said they got used to it after a certain number. They got jaded. It still hurt but in a different way from the first one or the second one. A few years later I was one of those women. 

When I would hear about someone having just one I would find myself thinking so what, try four, try five. Then come and cry with me. This experience contributed to my divorce. I will come back to that later, and the fifth one, and how it was so significant. 

I was the woman that wanted five kids. I loved kids, I still love them, but I do not want to ever be pregnant again. The thought actually repulses me. There is so much more to say about what happened during those five years, and how the church treated me with my multiple pregnancy losses. 

This also contributed to my deconversion. I will come back to that too. The first one and the fifth one were the most traumatic. Because of how they altered my life. The fifth one completed while I was at work, and it did not phase me. I did not cry, I left the bathroom and got back on task. I filed for divorce.