Is This Mania or is This Normal

I have been really struggling the last few months. I have been highly irritable, exhausted, unable to do simple things at home. I have been negative, hopeless, and stressed to the tenth degree. It has been extremely hard to function long enough to make it through the work day. 

Then I would collapse, stare at the tv that was turned off, and I felt like it would never pass. I could not shower, I could not make a meal, and it was extremely difficult to interact. My anxiety was beyond the ceiling. I was disassociating from my body and my words. When I would speak I would hear every word as an outsider. I was not in my body. 

I was given more medication which I did not take. I was sick of the pills. I was sick of being bipolar. I was sick of the weird hollow feeling like I was on some bad psychedelic trip. 

I started to feel a little better last week. After working 6 full days I came home and cleaned my house. I even attacked some piles. This never happens. When something like this happens I unfortunately have to ask myself if I am acting normal or if this is the beginning to a manic episode. 

Then this morning before work I made a meal, walked my dog, did my dishes, and mowed the lawn before work. This is all great and productive. I always have to be on guard when I get these bursts of productivity. I have to ask myself if my sleep is becoming disturbed, am I talking too fast, am I more impulsive, and is my mind going to a bizarre and reckless place. 

I want to be normal. I want to have consistency and feel good about tackling chores and making meals. Instead I have to be concerned. I have to pay careful attention. I have to keep my doctor on speed dial. 

The moment I need none to little sleep is when I know I am going into that hyper crazed place called mania. I sleep more than is recommended. Then suddenly I sleep two hours and am on a dangerous high. So I have learned to watch myself. 

Right now I do not know if I am getting healthier and on the up or if I am on a path towards chaos and hospitalization. I do not know, I just stand guard.