I spent five weeks in an alcohol treatment facility last summer. To tell you that it was hard is to minimize how painful it was. It was emotional and it was physical. I went through a week of detox and then entered the treatment portion to learn about my addiction and replace it with coping skills.
At the time I hated it. Drinking was my daily way of managing my out of control life. I was very high functioning, I held a job, paid my bills, and saw my psychiatrist. If I did not tell you how bad it was you would probably never know. That is not what this is about.
I had counselors there but it was one shining light of a person that has had a lasting impact on me. She was a tech, I guess that was her position. She drove us back and forth to the facility, and she spent time with us at the house. On the van ride she would turn up the music and sing her heart out.
At the time her optimism was not something I always welcomed. I was in pain. I was recovering from a decade of hard substance abuse. I was away from home, away from my dog, and all I wanted to do was to go home. I butted heads with my main counselor. I wanted to stay in bed. I was not ready, or I did not think I was ready for this life change. I did not want to go back to how I was but I also did.
She was always there for a hug, always there to listen. If there is a person that has the perfect balance of listening and also knowing how and when to push it was her. I do not know if she realizes the impact she had on the house. I am sure it is draining dealing with a bunch of moody women in early recovery.
Then she has to hear about those of us that fall back or go home to our addiction and die. I have learned that we are one of the hardest groups of people to deal with. You pour your heart out and may not see the results on the other side when someone continues in recovery.
Statistically most do not, or they have to keep coming back, but at least they do. Jami, you were the best person for me. I did not realize it at the time and I know I was negative and frustrated. You never gave up. You kept being you. You are changing lives. You are saving lives. I know that even if I fell back you would be the last person to shake your finger at me. When I think back to Arizona, I think of you. I think of your smile and how you truly loved a group of "unlovable" women. You loved us right where we were at, you saw the good in us that we had long lost. Thank you.
Ohhhhh....Tears of gratitude, humility, proud mama feels etc...well played! lol! You got the emotions flowing!!! I remember thinking that you were not interested. I also knew that it was the first time you had felt in a very long time. Being as though I too turned off my feelings in my addiction; I really understood the vulnerability that you all were trusting me with. When I drive my car it is concert time. All growing up music/singing was my life line in addition to my paternal grandmother & Aunts. I realized one day as I was quietly signing to myself & knowing that the only person who could really hear me was my co-pilot of the day (in front). I also remember feeling the connection that we shared in the front. I had individual time w/ my front seat co-pilot of the day & I loved it! I didn't get to spend as much time as other techs who worked in the evening & that sucked for me. This is the main reason I didn't mind pulling a double! I absolutely cherished our music therapy in the van! I remembered one day, how healing music is and what it did for me in my life in creating a safe place for me. You all desperately needed love & safe places at that time. I decided that this was required of me, I had a talent that I was selfishly hording. I decided that even if it sounded awful to you all that we could at least have fun laughing at ourselves! My anxiety increases exponentially when I sing for others. It's my insecurities really, but that's just a false perception I have come to learn because of you all. The beautiful part about our connection is that it's revolving. I will never forget those moments as long as I live & I am so very HONORED to have been trusted with your pain. Thank you my beautiful loving girl! My cup runnith over!
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