Why can't I just be NORMAL.
Why can't I act like these people I see surrounding me and passing me by.
I feel like I am on the merry-go-round. Faces are blurring into words, into noises, and I cannot catch my breath as it spins faster and faster. I am just trying to hold on long enough to save my life and then the slowest thought enters in and asks why? Why hold on? What are you saving?
This chaos always returns and it is so unbearable. It reminds me that I am not making it. That I am always dangling by this thin web, thinking I am building something or doing something but one gust of madness and I forget it all.
Right now, I live because I have to, not because I want to. I can barely hide my tears, my choking on a few words to get my work done. I ask for help and I am shamed. There is no room here to not perform. So I pull up that mask and try to make it one more hour, one more day.
Meanwhile, wanting to run away, everything in me says run, hide, scream, cry, get away... I fantasize about letting it all go. All of the bills, the things that keep me, I understand why mad people are on the street. It is so hard to function in society. It is so hard to do the simple things and to hold a job.
When I am high I got this but when I am turning on that merry-go-round and the colors are blurring and I cannot distinguish words... well holy fuck how can I work on high demand. There is no place for someone like me. It certainly is not here.
