Losing Faith

I spent almost ten years in the church. I know that my experience does not speak for everyone, and I try my best to not be hostile. It was not all bad. However, what was bad for me, was very bad. 

This will be the first of many times I sit down to talk to myself about this. When I lost my faith it was not overnight. It was a process but when it finally broke I literally lost my mind. It was the first time I was hospitalized in a mental institution. Everything I had built my life upon, the entire structure of my life and thinking collapsed. 

I tried so hard to hold it together and keep the faith as they say. All you need is the faith of a mustard seed. I could not hold on anymore, I could not believe it anymore. It did not make sense to me, it became foreign, repulsive, and I had a moment where I lost my sanity. 

I was terrified that I ever believed in the first place. I was not in a church that was just on Sunday. It infiltrated my daily life, how I thought, what I listened to, what I watched, who I married, and how I was to deal with my mental illness. The answer was prayer. The answer was it is god's will. The answer was read your bible and give all of your energy to the mission. It was authoritative. It was controlling. 

I guess for a time I was so messed up that I really needed someone on the outside to control me and decide for me. Not anymore. 

Now I am dealing with the trauma ten years later. I am dealing with being cornered into a marriage that was toxic. I am dealing with being discouraged from seeking psychiatric help that I desperately needed. On more than one occasion I pleaded regarding my symptoms. I was told to pray and focus on god. I did everything that they told me to do. 

I never needed a miracle I just needed some relief and comfort. I never got that. god never met me half way like they said. If god were real why could he not pick me up, that poem everyone loves about the footprints, that is not god carrying me. Those are my footprints. Those are mine, pushing on, fighting for my life.