He Rubbed My Back...

He rubbed my back... several times, often, regularly, as a common occurrence. The type of rub that was slow, that pulled you in, that was the full length of your back. It went slowly, up and down and there was some pressure to pull me in closer and talk about important things. 
These things were so important I had no right to pull back, no right to draw out some space. These things were important and intimate, I needed to come close, so close that I could feel and smell his breath. I could hear the licking of his tongue with his words. It flicked out in between sentences. 
Then I tell myself, what if I am making all of this up? What IF it is my imagination? My perception of the relationship; skewed by poor male relationships built from day one with my most primary one, my father. 
Has that and all that had followed up to this point damaged me this severely that I perceived the Pastor as a pervert?
Yet, my husband saw it. I brought it up, he saw it, and he agreed. On more than one occasion I begged for his protection or defense. 
I was left as wounded prey.
It built up and I eventually shut down and refused to attend anymore. 
Yes, I could have acted in a healthier and assertive way. I can "see" what I could have and should have done. I was not emotionally able. 
Now, I am very reactive to men. If I am shown any interest I sort of reply back like an aggressive dog. 
As far as if this contributed to my fall from grace, no. However, it did demonstrate how fake religious belief is for those in higher position. 
It is power and it is a mask. The ones below are more sincere but more likely to be abused in some form. It did not destroy my faith but it did help open my eyes.