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I look at myself, from the outside looking in. Maybe I should try from the INSIDE looking out. I ask myself, can you love in a relationship? It causes stress and conflict. All in the same hour I feel I am falling, I'm relaxed, hopeful, I feel at ease, affectionate, the world stands still, I see him, I want to drink him up. I want to understand and communicate kindly, care for him, make him feel like the king of the fucking world. Suddenly, I have a whiplash reaction. I am scared, I want to be alone, I cringe at touch, I become critical, I refuse to let myself depend on another person. I am terrified of the future, I want to run and stand at a far distance. This all happens so fast and back and forth like the rocking of a boat on a subtle and dangerous sea. I find myself holding onto the side, gripping it for dear life. In actuality there is NO danger, it is just a steady rocking cradle. I am panicking. I throw myself over and into the waves, no life jacket, no bouey, and while all backs are turned. I rather fall beneath this water to my own demise, on my own terms, by my OWN hands. Maybe it would have been something, maybe it would have been stable and loving. But how can ANYTHING be stable with me?! Either I will ruin it or you will add to my ruin. I do not even take a full breathe, I breathe out and sink under.