You are Hurt

I am having a hard time with this. I guess if I were honest, I would have to say that I am in denial. 

I get the daily updates and I see the Gofundme. I am sorry, but I read those updates very quickly. I skim them for the most important parts. You are alive. 

Then I think of you throughout the day. I imagine what you look like lying there. I imagine the beeping of the machines, the shuffling of nurses, the cold and uncomfortable hospital chairs. In my mind I am pacing.

I do not know what to say to you. Do I tell you everything will be alright? Will it? What does that mean? What does that look like? What if it will not be alright? I cannot say it. I cannot say it if there are still too many questions and unknowns. Where are you? Are you present in your body? Can you come back? It has been a series of holding my breathe, then crying, then being corrected on information, then holding my breathe again.

Yes, I am angry. Yes, I am sad. Yes, it is hard for me to have hope. No, I am not a neurologist. No, I do not understand what is happening.

I have seen several gofundme fundraisers for very serious causes. This time, it is for my family, for my cousin that was really raised next to me like a sister.

They have described your state as a “vegetative state”. Those words are blaring in my head. They are like a revving motor or a sounding horn that never lets up. Everything I am doing those words are echoing in the background, “Vegetative State”. Honestly, with all the progress in medicine they have not come up with a better fucking phrase!?

Yes, I am in denial and I am angry. I am accepting it from afar. I am over 13 hours apart from you; I have not seen you, how can it possibly sink in? I have my moments of breaking down, of crying, of hurting, however I pull it together real quick. I put it right back together into pieces of anger and tension.